Guess what?!? I’m expecting a brand new bundle of joy. I am grateful and excited, although at first I did not receive this baby with joy. I was seriously thinking about aborting my pregnancy. It’s funny because I thought of this post a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I am shy about sharing my story but I believe it’s one that needs to be told. I’ll start from the beginning.
My last post was about transformation in the valley. The last few years of my life has been a living example of struggle after struggle. It seems like almost all areas of my life have been under attack. The beginning of my lowest point started after I moved from Virginia back to NYC. I loved where I lived but moved because I felt God was leading me back to Brooklyn for many reasons. Once I arrived I was faced with many old demons. My biggest struggles were insecurity about my career and talent, overcoming grief from a broken relationship, and I battled suicidal thoughts. I was spiritually exhausted. I had no strength to fight. I had a hard time praying and reading the Bible so I became very weak and became trapped in emotional pain so extreme it made me physically sick. As a result I started smoking and drinking to cope. These were habits I used in the past to survive. I wanted God to fix my broken heart immediately, but he was taking his sweet time. I took matters into my own hands.
The beginning of this year I decided I need to deal with the pain or I’m going to destroy my life. I was terrified but I couldn’t stand being spiritually dead one second longer! I wrote this incredibly long prayer that rebuked my sin, affirmed spiritual truths, and included scriptures of encouragement. I read it every morning to help me start the day. After a few weeks I was starting to feel stronger.
Then I bumped into an ex-boyfriend. My feelings for him grew quickly. He brought laughter and good times back into my life. I needed that. But he didn’t share the same spiritual values I had. I tried very hard to stay pure and distance myself from the relationship. My emotions were so strong it was nearly impossible. I was still too weak spiritually to effectively ignore temptation. As some of you know, I believe it’s better to practice celibacy until marriage. That is a hard thing to accomplish if both partners don’t share the same beliefs. To make a long story short I ended up getting pregnant.
The night I took a pregnancy test I was in disbelief. I think I stared at the test for a good hour, hoping I was reading it wrong. I was in panic mode. I am already a single mother of an amazing 11 and 9 year old. I had them both out of wedlock. I wanted to be married if I had another child. I made up my mind that even if I did get married I didn’t want any more children, mostly because parenting is challenging. I was terrified my family and Christian friends would judge me and be disappointed in me. On top of that I was disappointed in myself for failing to make wise choices. I was drowning in guilt and shame. I couldn’t believe I was about to bring another baby into a single parent home. Of course good ole depression started to kick in again. My first reaction was I cannot have this baby. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to handle the guilt of abortion. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to accomplish my career goals with another child. I was even tempted to shut down Doodles Invigorate because I felt like a hypocrite. I was so confused! This is the first pregnancy that I considered abortion but my spirit wouldn’t allow me to pursue it.
God is amazing! I still can’t fully understand the depths of his love, grace, and mercy. The entire time I was struggling with sin he would tell me this will pass. You will come out of this. You will heal. You are my child. It felt like I would be trapped in pain and addiction forever. When I got pregnant he told me not to worry, this baby is a blessing. He kept repeating keep the baby. So I decided to be brave and obey God.
Not everyone has had a good reaction towards this news, which has tempted me to beat myself with guilt and shame. I have made a choice to be confident in who I am, flaws and all. I am proud that I am strong enough to handle this situation the way God wants. I keep his words and love close to my heart.
Now I am in a great place! I finally quit my addictions. I have been able to stay away from sex. I am getting stronger spiritually day by day. All the painful patches in my life are being healed one by one, little by little. I’ve started trusting God again. I am completely in love with my baby. I am looking forward to all the great things my future holds. I know there will be more challenges and that is ok. I have what it takes to overcome them all. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. There is a part of me that fears I will never get my life fully together. That fears I will always fall back into temptation. I realized I can’t let my past mistakes haunt me. I have to press forward with the confidence that I am an overcomer. I don’t care how many times I fall. I will get up again.
A note to mothers thinking about abortion: I want you to know that no matter what your struggle may be you have the power to overcome them all. With the right attitude you will succeed. People may encourage you to get rid of the baby. They may think you’ll fail at parenting. You might be thinking these things about yourself. You might feel the child will mess up the plans you made for your life. If you fear you can’t provide for your child God will provide if you put in the work. It will be hard but your child will bring great joy into your life. God has created that life inside you for a reason. Don’t be afraid to keep your precious baby!